i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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