A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
