I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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