so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
