i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
