I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
