Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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