you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
