I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
