I need to stop coming to work sober
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm getting married
To pizza
They are going to name an STD after you.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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