I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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