I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
PANTIES FOUND
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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