I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
