I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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