He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
