Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
