apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
