I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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