Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
