I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize