He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
