He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
