so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize