Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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