someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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