Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
