dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
