i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize