in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
