Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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