I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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