Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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