After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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