I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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