Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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