now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Ladies don't puke and tell
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
