i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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