Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
