Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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