Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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