Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I am in a vortex of obligation.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize