so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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