On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I can't turn off my feet"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
