I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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