Just took my morning after pill in the library
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize