If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
