Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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