So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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