Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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