i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
