Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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